Sensory Issues pt. 2: "No Touching!"

Other Sensory Issues:

So, as I mentioned in my last post, auditory sensitivities are the worst (i.e. the most debilitating) of my sensory issues. I do have other sensory differences, however. I think that I’ll start with the typical other four senses that most are familiar with and then do my final sensory-related post on the lesser-known senses (ex: interoception, proprioception). So, without further ado, and in no logical order whatsoever:

Smells:

Smells are a pretty straightforward one. Typically, it’s (usually) not very debilitating when a scent is off-putting to me, though there are some exceptions. Really the main class of scents that I do find overwhelming are artificial scents/chemical scents. (Yeah, yeah, I know, everything is made of chemicals, but you know what I mean, shite like artificial floral scents vs. the smell of an actual flower). I especially despise when people wear strong colognes and perfumes. I swear, some people literally bathe in the shit and I can smell them across the store. I get headachey and my sinuses hurt when I’m subjected to these artificial perfumes. Unpopular opinion: a lot of the time, I’d rather smell someone’s BO than these overpowering artificial scents.

My sense of smell is incredibly fine-tuned. By that I don’t mean that it’s necessarily correct, it’s just that I seem to be able to pick up on smells that others can’t. Even slight changes in scent immediately register to me. Honestly, it’s really fucking annoying, because often I don’t know what it is, just that it’s something. In some cases that just sets off anxiety. I’m driving and suddenly there’s an acrid scent: “Fuck, what’s broken? What’s leaking? Is there something wrong?” I’m at home or in the office and suddenly start smelling something that seems to come out of nowhere: “Did I just have a stroke? I’m pretty sure that smelling weird shit outta nowhere (burnt toast?) is a sign of a stroke…”

That said, I am also seemingly capable of being awash in strong smells with ease. Example: incense. I love incense. I can sit a small room with a stick or two of incense burning, essentially bathing in the smoke, and I feel great. Levels that would make another gag are no issue for me. Fuck if I know why...

Sights:

Sights aren’t really an issue for me. I mean, I’m not a huge fan of bright lights—I like dimmer lighting—but it’s nothing that’s too overwhelming. Visually, I love both minimalism and maximalism. I absolutely love the austere minimalist aesthetic of Zen Buddhism, but I simultaneously am obsessed with complex, multi-colored geometric designs. Most of my personal art ends up being pretty detailed and colorful, visually “loud.” So yeah, I ain’t got much to offer here. No significant sensitivities. Though, I tend to be a visual thinker, so maybe I have an affinity/attraction to visual stimuli?

Taste:

Taste, like visual stimuli, is not too debilitating. I mean, there are tastes that I enjoy and those that I don’t, but it’s nothing too novel. Like my olfactory sense, it’s pretty sensitive. Again, not saying it’s correct, but it is sensitive. My wife typically has me doing taste tests when she’s cooking to fine-tune herbs and spices.

Touch:

Hmm...okay this one is trickier. So, apparently many Autistics have touch-related sensory difficulties. I definitely fall into that camp. Some textures and touch are awesome, and others are fucking awful. I’ll start with stuff I dislike.

First and foremost, I hate [hate] unannounced/uninvited touch.

You know those people that will pat you on the shoulder or touch your arm when they say hi, or at some point when you’re talking to them? Fuuuuck, I hate that. I instantly tense up. I want to run away. I really don’t like being touched at all. I mean, sometimes it’s okay, sometimes it’s nice, like if it’s coming from my wife. But even then, I prefer to know when it’s coming. I feel really bad about it—I really do, because I have to imagine that my reaction comes off as rude/hurtful, and I in no way shape or form mean it that way—but sometimes when she reaches out to lovingly touch me, I flinch and tense up. It’s not at all a conscious reaction.

I legitimately cannot understand why people like massages. That seems like pure hell to me. The thought of someone touching me like that is horrifying. I wish it weren’t, since I could totally use a good massage for how fucked up so many of my muscles are, but alas, I’m not sure the discomfort would be worth it…

There are definitely textures that I can’t stand. Lots of them. I hate the feeling of having stuff on my hands (sticky, oily, dirt, sand), I find myself feeling like I need to wash my hands all the time. It’s not a germ-related thing. Example: I’ll be cooking and kneading dough, or chopping garlic, something where food particles are sticking to my hands. Even if there’s no need to wash because I’m just going to keep touching the same materials—i.e. no cross-contamination concerns—I still have to intermittently wash my hands to free them of the physical sensation of foreign matter sticking to me.

Crunchy peanut butter? Get the fuck out of here. Crunchy and smooth textures do not belong together. Rubbery textures? Tripe, calamari, shrimp, overcooked eggs/chicken: absolutely fucking not. Weirdly though, I do love the texture of bubblegum and gummie bears…

Here’s a BIG one: squeaky and chalky-feeling things. Squeaky sand/snow, cotton balls, chalk, corn starch. I can’t fucking stand these things. They literally cause my jaw and whole face to tense up. It’s the same kind of physiological reaction that I get from sour foods/drinks. It’s both a sound and texture issue. Just the feel of chalk in my hand is enough to cause this reaction. Fuck, just typing this and thinking about the feel of chalk in my hand is enough to cause this reaction. Recently, I had to stop taking notes on the board during class (all I had was a chalkboard), because the physical discomfort of the sound and feel of chalk in my hand and on the board was too overwhelming.

Little sensations against my skin that are unknown can cause me undue stress. A loose hair brushing against my face or neck, a loose tag on clothing. These cause me to become severely agitated.

What about temperature? I guess that’s a feeling. Well, I truly can not stand hot weather. Hot weather makes me incredibly agitated. I can’t think straight, I get irrationally angry and easily aggravated. I feel sick to my stomach. My head hurts, I feel dehydrated, I feel sick. Before you say it: I am well-hydrated, I’m typically very good about drinking enough water. But ugh, the heat is a fucking nightmare. Example: I try and do a sauna once a month. It feels great afterwards, especially before doing a float session in an isolation tank. However, the entire 40 min ordeal is hellish; I hate every second of it.

Give me the cold. In fact, I like ice-cold. I have a cold plunge at home. I love the feeling of being immersed up to my chin in 45-degree water. I love every second of it. I wish I could stay in longer, but know that after ~8min I risk hurting my skin. My mind is clear: I am calm, collected, my anxiety washes away, I can think straight, I leave the plunge feeling more alive and happier. The exact opposite that I get from hot temperatures.

I guess this makes for a good enough transition point, given that most of what I’m presented thus far is a long list of nopes. There are in fact some forms of touch and texture that I enjoy beyond cold temps.

For one: the feeling of being fully-clothed. In cold weather I can wear long pants, a beanie, and a hoodie. I can cover almost all of my body with clothing. It feels both pleasant and safe. I feel secure. Short sleeves and (*shudder*) shorts, feel so exposed and gross. That said, I do really enjoy wearing my kilt. Honestly, skirts in general feel really comfortable. I legit don’t understand how anyone enjoys wearing shorts though...

Here’s a weird one: if it’s expected, I love the feel of something light against my skin. I find lightly brushing the insides of me hands with my fingers to be incredibly nice. Instead of a massage, I find it incredibly calming to have my wife lightly pass her hands over my skin. It’s strange because so many Autistics find this kind of touch the worst kind of touch and prefer deep pressure. For the most part, I only like pressure if it’s self-inflicted: self-massage, weighted blanket, etc. Otherwise it feels invasive and oppressive.

I love the feel of short hairs on my finger tips (ex: freshly cut/shaved hair on the back of my neck, short fibers on textiles like fleece and corduroy). Something about moving short fibers back and forth and feeling them slightly encompass my fingertips is really very pleasant.

I have a really high pain tolerance. This is not a brag, it’s just a sensory difference. When I got my two most recent tattoos, I sat unmoving for 3-4 hours of non-stop inking. The artist repeatedly asked if I needed a break, especially when they were doing the shading and coloring (lots of passes over already distressed skin): “nah, it feels kinda neat” It’s a sensation that I can use to focus my attention and meditate.